dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
