I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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