yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
