Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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