what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
