even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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