I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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