oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we're making bets on your personal life
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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