If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
