I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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