meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
