I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Randomize
