my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize