my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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