: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize