Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
