I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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