Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize