dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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