Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
