Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
