You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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