Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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