i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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