I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
