Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
