He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
