I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
porn star boner night. come get it.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
