You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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