I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did i walk over a car last night?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
