her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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