Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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