I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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