dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
