I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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