dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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