I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
