I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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