when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
