youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
