I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
