anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
