I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
