we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
