I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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