My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
