nut hugger
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
