Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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