the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
