So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
