Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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