I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
