I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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