How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
