a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
