I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
